Reflecting on 2010

68 posts in 2008, 104 in 2009 and…24 in 2010 (most of which came in the first half). Why? Because I tend not to blog about negative things. Because I’ve been afraid posting bad news seems like I’m complaining. Because I’ve been afraid talking about it means I’m weak. These last few weeks I’ve come to realize that I am weak. These last few weeks I’ve come to realize that being weak that isn’t a character flaw, a detriment, or even something to be ashamed of. In fact, we need to realize how weak we are. [I attribute that realization to studying the Beatitudes, and prayer and grace in the bible dictionary.]

I’d be lying if I said I was sad to see 2010 go. At the first of last year I told Jon that I felt like we had been too blessed and that something big was coming. I started listing things that could go wrong (miscarriage, baby not healthy, death in family, etc.). I gave him a list a mile long. He told me that I couldn’t live looking at life like that. He said that I needed to live so that my testimony was strong enough to handle anything that came along. At first I was offended because I felt he was suggesting that my testimony was weak and that I was going to falter at the slightest trial. With some sincere prayer I realized what he was saying. I realized I wasn’t nourishing my testimony like I should. I realized that being faithful in my church attendance, diligent in my calling and honest in my tithes and offerings wasn’t enough. I wasn’t nourishing my testimony like I should. My personal scripture study was hit and miss. My personal prayers lacked conviction. I didn’t feel like I was ever getting the spiritual rejuvenation I so desperately needed. I realized he was right and I needed to step it up. I’m glad I did because that is when things got hard, and they haven’t seemed to let up any.

Breastfeeding gives one a lot of time to think. Reflect. As I was reflecting on last year I thought about losing my 2 remaining grandpas in 6 months. I’ve spent a ton of time worrying about Taelyn and Brayden. Brayden will have to have a minor out-patient surgery this summer. It isn’t a huge issue, but it is surgery-and that scares me. Taelyn has a lump in her armpit. We don’t know what it is. She’s had blood work done twice and chest x-rays. On top of that, she has been losing weight. Have you seen the kid? She doesn’t have weight to lose. Mostly I’ve been thinking about my family. Aching. I go over the 2 a.m. phone conversation I had with him the week after he announced he was leaving. He said that “mixed families are too hard”. I’m still not sure what that means. I pray daily that it doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to be part of my children’s lives…my life. One feeding session I was thinking about the year and the trials I felt were heaping up. Then I realized how many things I had forgotten to add to the heap. Kidney stone. Being rushed into surgery to remove it. A breast cancer scare. The hemolytic disease risk. 8 weeks without hot water. Things that had seemed so large at the time no longer made the list.

When we were home over Christmas a family friend approached Jon and I at church. She asked how we were doing. My response was automatic; I told her that we were doing great. “Lair” she said. She’s right. It is easier for me to just not talk about it. It is easier to think that if I ignore it, it will go away. It’s not healthy, nor is it productive. My goal is to get back to blogging. To blog about the good things. To blog about the bad and sad things. Maybe it will help me to really move through this.